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Quizzes, Teasers and Timewasters
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Si Furlong
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Joined: 07†March†2006
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Quote Si Furlong Replybullet Topic: Some Comedy Genius called Grifter
    Posted: 06†May†2009 at 2:01pm
This is a lad who posts on one of the Liverpool forums. His rants and ramblings are outstandingly funny.

Some of you may not enjoy this due to the crude nature of his musings, but I personally think they are funny as anything.

Scroll down to read his work, if you so desire.

Grifter on Middle Aged Sex

Its f**king sh*t.

Loads of renowned authors write about love and sex but very few mention the harsh fact that when you reach mid fourties most men would rather have a family size trifle all to themselves than have their nob sucked by the same bird who has sucked their nob since 1984. I could have picked on many esteemed authors who wax on about every f**king topic in the universe apart from going off sex as you age, well not Oscar Wilde though , he liked f**king fellas but I reckon he would've felt the same regarding bumming as I bet his boyfriends ringpiece was once tighter than OJ's glove and now has morphed into a dragons nostril after being bombarded with cock.

f**king great when your young , minge , firm tits , fanny , pert arse...but even though you're thinking no chance , that won't happen to me, can't be arsed with sex ? f**k off ! I'll always f**king love shagging me.. I promise you youngsters it f**king will happen.

It may have already happened to you if your knocking on towards forty. Early signs may include pretending your asleep when your missus is groping around your scrotum while pressing their sweaty f**king tits against your back muttering c'mon..c'mon. Have you reached the stage where sex has been initiated and you mumble the timeless line...will yer just wank us off luv ? More often than not followed by her pulling her big pissy draws up and f**king off in a huff with 70% of her knickers stuck up the crack of her arse as she shuffles moodily from the room but you daren't laugh. This innocent request leaves you left confused sat on the sofa wearing one sock with the skiddies you kicked off several minutes earlier hanging from the curtain pole. Well, in the words of Magnus Magnuson. You have to though don't you , many a time I've thought f**k it after this scenario and pulled myself off on the sofa wearing only one Next diamond pattern sock with Poiorot on the telly. Its at these times that my f**king cat always comes in the lounge and decides watch me have a wank which is very disconcerting. Never see the c**t all day and the creepy bastard f**king appears like Mr Benn. Chasing a cat out the lounge in one sock with a hard on shouting Koff yer bastard is not a good look for a man in his fourties. If I'm fully clothed not wanking in the lounge and I shoo the cat he always always legs it out the door as far away from me as he can but when I'm bollocko the cheeky twat decides to run past me behind the soffa...out yer onto the f**king window sill holding the f**king drawn curtains open with his tail so any passer by can glimpse me and my semi erect cock and call the police to report a pervert / flasher.

Knock Knock.

Bizzie - We have had a report sir from a neighbour of you appearing aroused and undressed in your bay window , what have you to say ?

Well yer see its me cat it opens the curtains..and err I was naked you know and errr.

Bizzie - Can you get your cat to demonstate this sir.

No because I've got clothes on now , he only does it when I'm having a wank.

Bizzie - Sorry sir..can you repeat that.

Ohhh f**king hell.

Bizzie - Sir..are they your underpants hanging from the curtain pole. You have the right to remain silent.....

Lets be honest it is women thats the problem letting themselves go. Fannies aren't that pretty really are they. Early twenties fine but mid fourties minges are f**king repulsive close up. I make no apologies for being graphic but I pulled down a pair of draws once and I sh*t myself , the f**king thing looked like the Predators face , honestly it f**king startled me and I was peering closely at her piss flaps and I'm certain I could see the word DANISH. Another middle aged bird decided to be " with it " by having a go with a Mach 3 and left a little tuft on the top ? if you glued a dolls eye either side of her clout it would've been a ringer for Dave Hill from Slade the demented c**t. If you can grasp the nettle and soldier on past the minge its the f**king tena lady's. What the f**ks that about ? I'll admit I've often had a wet penny in my pocket after a piss but f**k me leakage or in laymans language you piss yer f**king knickers, be honest. We could be sitting opposite each other in a resturant enjoying a meal , holding hands across the table and at the same time you're having a slash , f**king gratitude for you. Why don't we have our meal in the toilets darling and we can feed each other spaghetti like they did on The Lady and the Tramp while you're having a f**king dump or have you got a " sh*te lady " on tonight and we'll stay here ?

Notice a deteroration in the knickers too. Years ago nice little skimpy numbers in pastel colours. Now when I have a rummage in the laundry basket , big f**k off draws like you see in the last half a dozen pages of lingerie in the catalogue and it looks like someone has blown their nose in the gusset and the arse bit is littered with clock springs.

In conclusion I don't know what the f**k I'm on about ? What I will say is I'm sticking to wanking because middle age sex is dour and routine , I've had my day. One technique I'm fond of is the Cyril Smith wank. Before the wank begins this involves pulling up your favourite T shirts out of spunks way and tucking it under your chin and holding it inplace with your jaw while you pull , thus giving yourself the appearence of having 5 chins hence the name ( Known in the USA as a Clinton or Monica wank )

You out tonight ?

Yeah, had a shower and I've got me new clobber on but I'm dying for a wank.

Have a Cyril then and I'll see yer in half an hour.

Alright mate. ( It'll catch on )

Anyway you jammy young bastards. The sun is shining , dolphins swim alongside your yacht as you set sail towards the horizon on the love boat...but look in the distance..twenty years in the distance..see it ? An iceberg awaits you...your yacht has no rudder and your heading straight for it..nothing you can do. Looks pretty now doesn't it. But when you sail nearby in 2029 this huge iceberg that lurks is shaped like a f**king big pair of veiny saggy tits..underneath the iceberg below the water the iceberg is shaped like a big flabby f**king fat arse and the only reason this f**king iceberg has an orgasm now is because it is another excuse to f**king moan. You've been warned.

Many have jumped in the lifeboat now and rowed back to is up to you ?

Got to go now , we are only allowed 30 minutes internet usage and the next inmate is waiting to log on.

Enjoy it while you can because it is all downhill....Bon Voyage.

Grifter on Fanny or Granny

I lived in New York from 1987 to 1993 and worked as a choreographer in street dance and hip hop at the Broadway Dance Center near Brooklyn. I couldn't believe my luck when one day I was asked by the manager of the center if I would like to audition for Madonna's new tour. Feeling very nervous I travelled to Boston with my ghetto blaster and danced the Electric Boogaloo to Rockit by Herbie Hancock in front of executives from Polydor and Sean Penns Uncle. Three days later I got the call to say I would be dancing on stage with Madonna on her Blond Ambition tour , if you youtube La Isla Bonita and Like a Prayer I'm the one in the red satin shorts and string vest.

Traveling the world for two years with " Madge " as I now called her we got pretty close and as someone who knew her I can categorically state she has a twat like Rick Wallers sleeping bag and a f**king grid like a witch doctors rattle the brown baby robbing f**king basket case , also her fanny stinks and her arse smells like Planters dry roasted peanuts.

Grifter on Boy George

This is just typical of the leniant sentencing celebrities recieve , 15 months in a prison full of sex starved blokes. I just hope when I'm due to be sentenced next Thursday the judge is as leniant towards the common man and sentences me to 15 months in Ann Summers changing rooms or Angels.

Anyway George chin up ( any of em ) yer fat c**t.

Grifter on being Mr. Right

Its your lucky day.

I am currently single after being finaly released from HMP , something or other about murdering my wife ? HOW DO THEY KNOW IT WAS ME IF THEY HAVEN'T FOUND WHERE I PUT HER, I kept screaming at them, anyway thats over now, a little bit about me.

I'm in the main an unsuccessful middle aged loser with an afliction that causes my forehead to swell giving me the appearence of a cross eyed bottlenose dolphin. Also I live with my two brothers, Derek the eldest lives under the stairs and wears nothing but a pith helmet and how the Winter nights fly by as he recites Hitlers Nurremburg rally speeches through the crack at the bottom of the door loudly into the hall, my other brother is named Clive and we keep his head in a jar on the Welsh dresser. I often like to spend my nights sat on the sofa thinking about lesbians while wearing an orange boiler suit pretending I'm at Guantanamo Bay before crying myself to sleep.

I am massively into hardcore techno and have my own whistle , glow sticks and smiley face vest , I,ve even composed a few tunes myself on my Alba stereo under the pseudonym of Dangerous Decks. Maybe we could throw some shapes in my attic where my nan lives , she won't mind as long as we empty her drool bowl.

Anyhows enough about me. It'll be a big plus if you look like Lucy Pinder and don't have big feet or a surprise extra toe and so its no surprise to you many have commented that my cock is like a tin of Vim with an apple on top.


Grifter on rattling a brass

Just a word of warning to anyone thinking of using rohypnol. While at a catering appliance conference in Basingstoke several years ago I was invited for a few drinks by the MD of a rival company who happened to be a lady. Anyway, after a few drinks she invites me to her room, happy days. One thing lead to another and she was up for anything, couldn't believe it when she demanded I tie her to the bed and in her words whispered to me " Ay lad friggin f**k my lady minge will thee " ( she was from Yorkshire ). It was then I remembered I had a little bottle of a certain something in my jacket pocket. She was lying there bollocko like a letter Y ready for pounding. f**king here we go I thought , I was standing naked with a semi lob on and glanced up at the celing and murmered thank you god then necked the bottle in one. f**king woke up nine hours with a skull splitting headache and the c**t had wriggled free and f**ked off. Load of sh*te.

Grifter on the Royals

The Windsors unlike us poor bastards actually decide how much tax they wish to pay, if any at all. Jug ears income from the Duchy of Cornwall is exempt from both corporate and capital gains tax. No one is quite sure why. Every business has to submit accounts by law except FA Cup heads. Again the Duchy estate is passed on from death and not subject to inheritance tax ( unlike you and me ) Next time you open your payslip and a large chunk is swallowed up at least you know it is keeping the Windsors and hangers on in their numerous homes or perhaps to a certain interior designer named Mrs Elliot who was paid handsomely to renovate three holiday cottages owned by European Cup head on the Isles of Scilly, a possible conflict of interest - Mrs Elliot happens to be the sister of Camilla Parker Bowles, great work if you can get it. c**ts.

The human tampon is a hypocrite. The c**t will often urge people to buy British, especialy from farmers ( he has a thing for them ) But he didn't take his own advice when canceling his fleet of Vauxhal Omegas and ordering a fleet of Audis. So he's willing us all to support British farmers but not the British motor industry. Perhaps if the Vauxhall plant uniform was green wellies and Barbour jacket he may change his mind the clematis translating f**king loon.

I'm still waiting for the bat eared c**t to stick to his word and f**k off and emigrate like he said he would if fox hunting was banned. What a backbone he has eh. So if a load of stuck up toffs can't fill an empty day without toturing a wild animal, with the odds heavily on the side of the chinless gobsh*tes he'll f**k off. Sick bastards. I for one don't believe all these supposed job losses that will affect the landed gentry when fox hunting was banned, and to be honest I'd rather be on the f**king dole if my income depended on hunting and killing a fox but I hope it does happen. Nothing would cheer me more than all them Countryside Alliance c**ts bankrupt and they're business failing . Remember seeing all them in their 4x4's and tweed jackets supporting the miners as the pits where closing. Me neither so don't expect f**k all sympathy from me, its been happening in towns and cities for years yer roast swan eating f**king c**ts.

Just to finish off, you'll all be delighted to know that these parasites with a combined wealth of 1.5 billion are exempt from the capitals congestion charge. NHS nurses , small business pay it and even black cab owners pay it but not these scrounging twats. Anyway console yourself in the knowledge that several years ago your money ( approx 5m ) was used to pay for a new " Royal " train for Liz and Phil to park their f**king arses on.

Happy f**king Christmas.

Grifters take on the X Factor

I'm sick to f**king death of the OTT little introductions set over a backdrop of dramatic music before the acts perform especialy the f**king fruit choreographer.

Brian - " I'm really worried for him/her. If he/she doesn't pull the routine tonight then I fear The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will thunder into his/her parents house near Bolton and decapitate their pet miner bird , dry bum the gran and bend the tea could be all over "

Louis - " I'm really worried for him..he could be going home. I tink dis song is way too big for him. If he doesn't geddit right tonight he's out of da competition. Biblical floods will submerse Blackburn and huge plagues of locusts will block out da suns rays and de human race will not survive cause da plants won't grow and stuff to make grub to eat. We could all die Dermot if he don't nail Mac de Knife, der will be 6ft spiders ruling de werld an everything "

Simon - " Ok lets get a bit of perspective here. Although my head looks more like a fanny than a fanny I'm not often wrong. Who are they to question me, a man who center parts his head with a tomohawk. Listen my bird lets Sinita follow me everywhere so you can all f**k right off, but I think if he released this as a single he would have a hit "

Danni - " Well I'm shocked..I know its difficult to tell because my grid has been stretched tighter than Micky Rourke's ball bag and my eyes show as much emotion as a fairground gonk but believe me yer rotten mongrels. Yeah I know I look like I've nodded off with my face wrapped in clingfilm in front of the leccy fire and have the look of a condom stuffed with wallnuts but yer would and yer know it and I bet you've all cracked one off thinking of me fingering me sis up the flange "

Cheryl - " We spent a lorra teem togever last neet disgussing de song for toneets shore. She will pull iroff toneet eem shore ovit. She captivates me and she's captivated the public. She maybe gerrin vertes cause she's Spannish but can yah blame the public because she has a fooking fantastic set of jugs, big fooking massive luvely tits I tell yah, fooking scrumptious wangers man. I can't do this anymore leek, am gonna cry, can't do it "

Go and get f**ked you big wet the bed c**ts.

Grifter on the Antiques Roadshow

Amusing to watch the people queueing near an expert who's being filmed trying to get their grid on the box, standing there with an Aldi bag nonchalantly and looking away when the camera has them in view. I've sussed you yer sad c**ts.

The human face is a very complex organ containing hundereds of muscles which are able to produce a huge amount of expressions. Happy , sad , concerned , frightened , anxious , worried , etc...but f**k all in life beats the expression of the person on Antiques Roadshow who has been informed their Turner retirement nest egg is in fact a forgery. Here is my expression you gobsh*te..glee and joy..ohh and your now doing an indifferent expression pretending your not arsed when its f**king clear your heart is sunken and your Mrs will be wearing sunglasses to work next week.

Ohh , I watch Stars on Sunday bollocko looking out of the bay window while singing Onward Christian Soldiers triumphantly then wave at passers by when they clock me.

Grifter on things in general

f**king never ending sale DFS c**ts.

I want a brand new house on an episode of Cribs
And a bathroom I can play baseball in
And a king size tub big enough for ten plus me

f**king do you now, and a sofa on the drip.

Never have I witnessed such a gathering of ugly pug faced bulbous c**ts in such a short space of time on telly, especialy the Pilsbury Dough woman / hog hybrid, Rocky Dennis doppleganger at the end with a cleft palate. Apparent these c**ts were dragged in off the street with the offer of £10.00 and some finger food to make a c**t of themselves. For f**ks sake just all go and frig the f**k off with the sh*te dancing as well , I'm sat with my tea ( Aunt Bessies toad in the hole ) on my lap watching telly thinking I can't wait to get stuck into this, then something that should be enjoyable soon has me foaming at the f**king mouth biting my own fist and weeping, begging for it to stop, the cats have sh*t a brick and legged it and I'm lying in the foetus postion on my lounge floor stabbing my arm with a fork crying to Jesus to make DFS go away. Its the dancing coupled with the fact that you're all biblicaly f**king repulsive that sets me off. Therefore I have set up a bogus sofa shop and wrote to DFS explaining how much I enjoy their Rockstar advert and I'm also thinking of advertising on TV, would they be kind enough to forward on the names and addresses of the gigantic f**king bastards that were used in their wonderful advert. If I recieve the information I will invite them all to my " factory " were I have constructed a Josef Fritzel style cellar were they will all be kept unable to do any more harm. I'll keep you informed.

" I want a cactus..mountains, with snow. Hi, I'm a film location scout "

And also a prize f**king twat.

f**king cascading c**ts.

" Please cascade this memo to all staff "
" Please can you ensure this safety message is cascaded to all employees "

Just to let you know I have cascaded this message to my team. Would it be possible , time permiting, for me to cascade your f**king head in with a wheel brace you sniveling bag of sh*t or maybe lob you from the top of a watefall to your death so you can finaly appreciate what the word cascade actualy means you tiny cocked , liver spotted, goofy , f**king cod eyed paedo looking gormless syrup wearing f**king titanic dick head.


HR Dept.

f**king Hadron Collider bollocks experiment.

What a massive pile of f**king sh*te. " Hopefuly this will let us understand what it was like when the big bang occured "

Couldn't give a flying f**k to be honest, not f**king arsed you four eyed swotty twats. This experiment would have been more beneficial with this result for example.

" The Hadron Collider experment has been a success. Twenty three countries, seventeen thousand scientists, seventy four billion dollars...means that civilisation will no longer have to suffer repeats of Fresh Prince of Bell Air on Dave. This does not end here. We are already in advance proceedings to eradicate Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps repeats and with the right conditions and god on our side we can rid the world of Will Mellor "

See you c**ts , most I know would have prefered the above conclusion and I've never met any f**king c**t in my life who has pondered..mmm, wonder what it was like when the big bang happened ? Your average persons most difficult dilema in the year is running out of bog roll while having a sh*te and deciding wether to unravel the cardboard tube to wipe their arse or use their undies and lob them out the window.

Mind you, you lot around Austria / Switzerland are fond of making secret cellars you f**king dictator spawning, cuckoo clock making , child hiding f**king nob end weirdos. Pity your not as adventureous or bold when there is a war on. If your countries where children they would be the weedy kids with asthma who are permanently excused PE and drink goats milk you f**king yellow conflict dodging twats. Ohhh there's a war on..nowt to do with us ?, c**ts. Have to say you make good porn though.

Dear Terry Wogan. C/O Points Of View. BBC.

Hearing news that the BBC have made many staff redundant to help reduce the budget I thought I would write to you as a TV licence payer with a suggetion to further reduce spending.

The splendid TV series " Who Do You Think You Are " involves much research, travel and detective work which I assume does not come cheap.

One simple phone call to me and I could have told you who exactly Vanessa Feltz was.
A moon faced, family bucket arsed, bloated f**king Wagon Wheel scoffing, saggy titted, vacuous , half woman half space hopper, f**king mamouth twatter with c**ting bells on with a minge the size of Monmouth.

Disgruntled from Maidenhead.

Sky + advertising celeb f**king bastards.

" I think now, without Sky + the world would cease revolving and I would certainly have liver failure if I couldn't pause live TV, I mean it makes you wonder how on earth we managed without Sky +, I dread to think. Anarchy I think , zombies running riot through the capital, the living dead burning the Houses of Parliament and six foot long ants eating babies , constant darkness and fear if you couldn't press series link is what I believe "
Ohh get a f**king grip you wet the bed c**ts. Do you think Sky c**ts if I was watching a good film pre Sky + days and I wanted a sh*te I f**king soiled myself , yep sat in my own sh*te and piss. Now the Odeon weren't too happy about this but f**k em. f**king happy enough to sh*t on me charging £1.75 for a packet of Munchies and you can f**k off shining your torch at me all the time you f**king bender. Ofcourse this isn't true but do you know what..we missed a bit of the f**king programme, big deal, then asked the missus did I miss anything ( not hard is it ) and she says " You should have watched it " and I say I wanted a piss " she replies " Ohh thingy shot, whats his name and err " and I say well if you can't be arsed doesn't matter and she replies " Ohh you always do this " I don't I say.. " You do all the bloody time , I've lost where I'm up to now " Ohh have you now.. " Turn it off, you've spoiled it "...what the f**k, I can't even have a piss in my own house. So, as punishment I lock her handcuffed under the stairs for a week wearing only a pith helmet, its the only way she'll learn.

Birds with Playboy stickers on their f**king cars.

Don't bother craning your neck trying to blimp them as they all have look like their face is wrapped in clingfilm and think a pink fluffy steering wheel will fool people into thinking they are " girly and eccentric " Likelyhood is they'll take it up the wrong-un for a £20.00 TK Max voucher and have body dysmorphia or deep self loathing.

Happy Autumn.

Grifter about porn

No offence but anyone under thirty years old can f**k right off.

f**king easy for you lot now. Turn on your computer , lesbian midgets fisting each other then a wank. Where is the challenge in that , where is the opportunism , the risk ?

I had to make do , if I was lucky , finding a couple of wank mag pages in a hedge in my teens and they had to f**king last you. I remember having a few found pages folded up and dossed in my bedroom for ages wanking into the same crusty sock for months None of the gaping fanny shots either no, just some bird still with her draws on with her tits out , but I was f**king happy. The new Kays catalogue turning up was like a wanking Xanadu , straight to the lingerie trying to make out nipples through bras and fannys through knickers to enhance the tug. Later on to the shower and bath chapter for a polish over birds about to let a towel fall to the floor, this is where your imagination plays a key wanking roll, no imigination or thought required for today's wankers you spoilt bastards. Inginuity was needed for vintage wankers like meself . Bet you never thought you could have a wank over an encyclopedia did yer , will look up Africa in the index and more often than not this would contain pictures of Kenyan tribal women with their tits out , I know what you thinking , sad c**t , but when your pushed in a corner.

I was giving me missus a good pounding a couple of years ago when suddenly mid shag she said..." Have you put the bin out for tomorrow " Thats when it dawned on me.

I think there comes a time in every mans life..a line in the sand..defining moment..a crossroads if you like when they enjoy a sh*te more than a shag.

I reached this moment a couple of years ago when I was touching cloth so I f**king legged it home. If I'm honest and I remember thinking at the time on the throne..dya know what, that was better than a f**k. The moment my thighs touched the cold toilet seat as I squated ready to open my sphincter and unload was a moment I've never experienced while having it off. I had a couple of beads of sweat on my forehead as I sat there almost transfixed with relief gawping at the ingredients on the back of a bottle of Toilet Duck , and do you know for that moment while my twitching ringpiece hovered above the pan..all my worries disappeared.

I didn't want this sh*te to end , it seemed a shame to wipe my arse. On the bog is one of the only places where you do that stare thing when your eyes glaze over and you gaze at a spot anywhere in the room and little bits of glitter float across your vision as you sit there sh*ting with gob agape because you are at one with yourself and at peace, wonderful. Suddenly a hint of sadness came across me as I realised this sh*t was nearly at an end , I knew I could squeeze another one out , I had to. Then out of nowhere I had a movement , what a movement. King Kongs thumb slid out my arse with no resistance like a huge sausage launch. The turd was dipping its toe in thr water while still attached up my arse sliding out so I knew this was something special. As I crimped it off a little drop of bog water splashed up to cool my hot ring piece, it felt like a thank you kiss or a sign of recognition from the toilet as if the bog was saying " f**king nice one " to me. I knew instantly my arse would be almost spotless come wiping time, you can tell. I had to peer between my legs to view this wild beauty , for some reason looking down past my wrinkly cock and balls I thought about the Titanic ?

I,ve pondered about gays occasionaly and wondered how the f**k do you get a cock up your arse...but this chap lying in wait below me like a crocodile with its snout and eyes peering above the water level ready to pounce was bigger than any cock I've ever seen. This moment was the evidence and proof I needed that in fact it was possible to recieve a length.

The time had come to clean up , the toilet paper was clean, just a spot of damp, I could have just pulled my undies straight up afterwards without any wiping if I was more daring , I wish I did. This was the Bolero of sh*tes..the Aston Matrin of poos...the Everest of cacks..better than any shag I,ve had recently. I finished off with a little wee and felt really content and in a good mood.

Soon or in many years time you will ask yourself this question..

Have I ever ran home for a shag ?

...and part deux

Ahh Jenny Agutter in Walkabout.

Had many a tug over Jenny, The scene where she is swimmimg in the pool and you can clock her minge. Her voice done it for me though, very sultry. My fantasy would be for Jenny to catch me spying on her getting undressed then telling me off.. " You're a very naughty boy aren't you...come here..were you wanking watching me..thats very bad..let me see, carry on " f**king hell I'm getting a semi on typing this.

Also she gets her tits out in American Werewolf in London too, grand woman our Jenny. Another old skool wank was The Wicker Man, remember hoping my mum and dad would f**k off out for the night when this was on. If they did it was curtains closed with a wad of bog roll in one hand and playing with my plums with the other till Britt Ekland dances around bollocko. f**king sh*te film but who cares. I remember being conscious of the fact that I should clean meself up immediately after me wank as it is tempting to have a kip afterwards, the thought of my parents and there mates coming back home from the pub and stumbling on me asleep on the sofa with me undies around my ankles with a fist like it was dipped in wood glue and mumified with Andrex made sure I did. If anyone is really interested and would like to sample the unique atmosphere of the Island in The Wicker Man then visit Neston on the Wirral, the web footed , sister marrying f**king inbred wierdos.

There was also the advent wanking calender. Remember in news agents and pubs , they sold BIG D peanuts. Nothing special about that you probably think but these little packets of nuts where fixed to a card and on the card was a picture of a bird with her tits out. Around twenty packets fixed on each card and every time a pack was removed it revealed a bit more of the bird.If a battleaxe was serving in the shop I'm certain they would never remove the two packs covering the tits on purpose the frumpy c**ts. I often felt like a perverted Roy Walker on Catchphrase when I was buying BIG D , not wanting to reveal a well known phrase but a nipple on a tit to memorise for a wank.

My claim to fame is that I married Kate Jackson from Charlies Angels in 1978. Kate knew f**k all about it but me and my school phychiatrist did. Wasn't that fussed on Farrah, the woman not the kecks, but Kate was f**king fantastic. I was in love with Kate , she could fly a helicopter, taught martial arts, caught criminals, drove cars fast and had a lovely arse and tits.
I used to say her christian name and my surname a lot, had a ring to it, we were meant to be together. Well thats what I told the school shrink when he asked if I could offer an explanation to why in three months I achieved the countries highest Latin GSCE score then soon to be relegated to the basket weaving class and I couldn't think without sticking my tongue out like Curly from The Three Stooges. I soon divorced Kate and went on to finger Suzi Quatro then marry Debbie Harry, Lynda Carter and Lindsey Wagner who all decided to divorce me when I turned up at their Beverley Hills homes wearing my mums wedding dress and an ice hockey mask brandishing a cleaver shouting " If I can't have you then no one can " Touchy bastards called the bizzies, sl*gs anyway.

You young spawny bastards have an easy time wanking today. It wouldn't f**king surprise me in the next few years if Nintendo brought out a Wii Wank. Drop your f**king kecks in front of the telly, use a joystick to select the bird of your choice, Kelly Brook, Cheryl Tweedy etc and wank away. Probably have accessories like a Nintendo wanking glove, pop it in the microwave for thirty seconds then connect the glove to your Wii via a USB lead and voila a warm, vibrating wanking mitten you jammy twats. Don't over- microwave your glove as it'll shrink forcing you to look like OJ Simpson in court and Kelly will be smoking a ciggie in bed by the time you get the f**ker on..

We were happy with just a pair of natural tits, a bit of minge and our imagination but you fledgling wanking loons are detached and it all comes to easy, you get it on your pc or mobile, piece of piss. I had to battle and scrap to get a couple of well thumbed sponked over pages of flange and they kept me going for months, I was a wanking pioneer.
Now you young-uns for f**ks sake....

" Got a bluey here, wanna lend it ? "

Me - Any good ?

" Yeah alright, amputee midgets fisting goats "

Ohh go and get f**ked you depraved bell-end and how do amputees fist ?

" With a prosphetic "

I give up ?

I can't even wank in the middle of Bold St now because of f**king CCTV.

Wanking aint what it used to be , sadly.

One chance - One goal
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Quote GavScott_12 Replybullet Posted: 08†May†2009 at 5:17pm
just read a couple of them....glorious, that's me lunch sorted for the next week.
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